Chapter 189: ⋆ Chapter 189

I followed Rafael through the endless corridor, my palms clammy and slick despite the cool air. My fingers curled and uncurled at my sides before I finally wiped them against the fabric of my pants.

Wanda walked beside me. Every now and then, she’d glance my way, her brows knitting slightly, but she didn’t say anything.

Rafael walked ahead of us, his shoulders square and his head held high. But even from behind, I could see his knuckles flex at his sides and the faint, healing gash running along his neck.

At last, he stopped, and we stood in front of a massive set of double doors, carved with intricate patterns of wolves and vines. Two guards flanked either side, their eyes fixed forward, their posture rigid.

I froze, my stomach hollowing out. My hands found each other in front of me, fingers twisting in knots.

Rafael gave a small nod, and the guards pushed the doors open in unison.

I stepped forward automatically, though my legs felt stiff and wooden.

The room inside was cavernous, wider than I’d expected. Two grand chandeliers hung high above, their golden glow casting everything in soft amber. Rows of chairs lined the walls in perfect symmetry, each one polished and waiting.

White lilies stood tall in elegant arrangements throughout the hall, their scent cloying and heavy in the air. It was beautiful, painfully so, and I hated it for that.

But my eyes were only drawn to one thing, the table. I stopped just inside the threshold and stared, the sight knocking the breath clean out of me.

“Would Alpha Loric have the same preparation?” I asked before my lips pressed into a thin line.

Rafael glanced back at me. “No, he wouldn’t have the same farewell. In fact… we’ve already buried him. And Julian, the other day. Their wives and a few family friends were there. But nothing like this. No ceremony.”

“And others will still come? To pay their respects to him?” My eyes stayed locked on the table.

Rafael nodded once. “Yes. We’ve already arranged the schedules. Once you’ve had your private time with him, the doors will open for the rest. Pack leaders from across the territories. Covens as well. Even human representatives. And leaders from all three councils.”

“Covens? Vampires?”

Rafael hesitated just for a moment, and then he nodded. “Yes. They were all informed of what happened. All leaders—humans, lycans, and vampires—will come to pay their respects. Xavier… earned that.”

“Good,” I whispered. My throat felt tight, my chest even tighter. I took a shallow breath. “Can you… Give me a moment?”

Rafael studied me for a moment longer before giving a small nod.

“Of course,” he said quietly and gestured to Wanda, who turned to me and gave a faint smile.

“We’ll be just outside,” Wanda said gently, and I gave her a small nod.

They both stepped out, the heavy doors clicking shut behind them. And for the first time in days, the weight of it all finally pressed down on me fully. Tears burned at the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision as I stood frozen.

Slowly, I forced myself forward, each step making the hollow in my chest feel wider, deeper. By the time I reached the table, my fingers were shaking so badly I had to curl them into fists just to keep moving.

And then I looked down at him.

The breath caught in my throat so sharply it hurt, and I nearly choked on it.

Xavier lay there, still and perfect, like a painting of himself. The long table—altar, that’s what it reminded me of, an old-world altar where the dead lay in honor before being given back to the earth—was draped in white linen and covered in more lilies. His body rested in the center, as though the whole room had been built around him.

He looked every bit the Alpha he was meant to be, dressed immaculately in a tailored black suit, accented with threads of blood-red and intricate gold stitching that caught the faint chandelier light. The insignia of the Silver Moon Pack glimmered faintly on his breast pocket. A long, black leather trench coat draped over his shoulders in a way that made him look regal even in death, and his boots gleamed with a shine. His hand lay across his chest, and even now, the heavy signet ring with the family seal seemed to weigh him down.

It was too much.

I shook uncontrollably, my tears slipping free, hot trails that fell and kept falling as I leaned over him. My hands hovered over his face, my fingers trembling just above his skin because I was too afraid to touch him and feel just how cold he’d become.

“I’m so sorry, Xavier,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I… I still love you…” The words cracked in my throat as I bent closer, desperate, and lowered my lips to his ear. “Can you hear me? Wake up. Please… wake up and tell me this isn’t real. None of this is…”

My voice faltered into nothing. The words rang hollow, as though the room itself had already accepted what I couldn’t.

I shook harder and harder, until my knees finally gave out and I collapsed to the floor beside him. My hands clutched at the edge of the altar as I crumbled, my sobs tearing out of me loud and raw.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed again, my face twisting in anguish, tears falling to the carpet below me. “I’m so sorry.”

The words came out over and over, tumbling past my lips as though repetition alone could make them matter.

I pressed my forehead to the cold edge of the altar and cried so hard my body convulsed with it, my chest heaving like it couldn’t hold all this grief inside me anymore. My face burned red with the effort of keeping breathing, and the veins at my temples throbbed painfully as my wails filled the room, the kind of broken sound that felt like it didn’t even belong to me anymore.

I lay there, curled against the altar, and it felt like a part of me had been ripped clean out of my body.

So this is what it was to lose a mate.

It didn’t just hurt.

It was unbearable.

Like the air itself refused to come back into my lungs, like my heart didn’t know how to keep beating on its own anymore.

Every memory, every promise we’d ever shared came rushing back all at once, and it was too much. The bond between us felt severed and jagged, and every second without him alive in it was a pure, merciless kind of torture that made me wish it would just finish me, too.